PAPER FEELINGS

I started to order books online myself when I was 13 years old

I remembered the moment I hit the “BUY” button on the screen. I was flushed with excitement and anticipation. Online transaction was somewhat an alien concept in Vietnam around 2015, especially to a grade-8-kid who decided to put some faith in Tiki and use a part of her savings for her very first books (*self-defined: books not bought by her parents), without the supervision of adults.

It was excitement first, when I browsed the web to choose books. I examined my choice with great care, because I wanted to be satisfied with almost everything. The price must be reasonable. The cover should look beautiful and appealing. The size. The price again… I was not someone who could easily feel the sense of satisfaction, though it mainly came from my greed and the fact that I was attracted to every single book I ran across. It took me about an hour to finalize my decision.

Then it was care. Carefully filling in the info form, ensuring that I got the address right, that my phone number was right, that I had left the note to tell the shipper not to deliver my books when I was at school.

Subsequently came fear. What if I would not be able to receive them? This was paradoxical, since the one who should have had this kind of fear was the shipper, but I couldn’t help feeling that way. It was driven by the feeling of anticipation and the yearn for guarantee. My first own books were something special, a bit precious like a small treasure I had for myself, and I tended to demand everything to be perfect.

That first time, I did receive my order with perfect quality, exactly what I had hoped for. I kept hitting the BUY/ ADD TO CART button for another several times more. For each new order, the same feelings awaited. Even if I had bought things online for ten times, there was always the same anticipation, the same worry, the same care, also the same tenderness I treated a book upon receiving it. The feelings never changed. It was like you were waiting for your baby to come (not quite close), enjoyment, delight, ecstasy,… all those words.

Each time the button was hit, I grew a little more. I always felt a sense of independence, of money management, and of course, of possession. As I grew, my treasure grew, my knowledge grew and so did the way I see the world. What I witnessed when ordering books, it happened to everything I owned, everything I cared, everything that was part of my life.

Anticipation, excitement, care, fear,….

It has been more than a year I haven’t ordered books through website, and I have just hit the button BUY again. I experienced the very same emotions again. Instead of neglecting them like before, I took note of them.